Elf Faux Pas

Here's Alex with Jolly the Elf. We've had Jolly (or one of his brothers) for three or four years now. To explain: we've had the same elf the whole time but we were slackers the first year and didn't write down his name in the book, as you are supposed to do. So, Alex gives him a different name when he returns to us every year. I think he likes doing that, it happens with his stuffed animals from time to time as well. (Aside: he's still calling them stuffed-up animals. I will be so sad when that last little guy expression disappears.)

We were away from home for Thanksgiving so I thought the elf would return to our house as soon as we got back from Louisiana. Alex said no, that it should be the 1st of December. I decided to go by his timetable. This year I decided to get creative (always a scary thing) and researched all sorts of different things to do with Jolly. For those of you who do not live with small children, the elf appears each morning in a different place around the house. He observes the behavior of the household, then flies home to the North Pole every night to report in to Santa Claus. Thus, he is in a different place every morning and the children must find him.

My creativity led to the elf faux pas. I saw on Pinterest or Facebook how some elves graffiti bathroom mirrors with a dry erase marker. Lo and behold, Jolly did this over the weekend. We had "Jolly was here," "Elves rule!" and "Merry Christmas!" on the bathroom mirror. Which was fine, and Alex was highly amused. Jolly just perched on the soap dish and looked pleased with himself. However, Jolly creeps me out just a little bit. He's got those eyes that kind of follow you around a room. While this is helpful for watching little children who are trying to get away with something, it is not something I will tolerate while I'm taking a bath. So, I scooped Jolly up and moved him onto a shelf in the living room.

You would have thought that I was putting him into the fireplace and cranking the gas logs up. Alex read the Elf on the Shelf book once, at least 3 years ago. All of a sudden he became this stickler for elf law and order. "No one can touch him, Mom, or he loses his magic!" When I asked how he knew this he said it was in the book AND everybody knows. I went to the book to check on this and to see if there were any loopholes. There were not. Fortunately the book is not one Alex has read again, so I bluffed my way out and told him that kids were not allowed to touch the elf, but in limited circumstances, parents may. He was finally convinced when I told him that the humidity in the bathroom might harm Jolly and somehow affect his flying ability. Now we know.

So, my review: Elf on a Shelf is a great disciplinary tool for this time of year but you've got to read the fine print!

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Adventures in School Volunteering

Have you ever wondered what happens in an elementary school library? I know way more happens than what I see or know about but here are a few things I've observed:

- Children go to the Magic Tree House section (an entire shelf of books); they rearrange them in NON-alphabetical order. I think just to drive me crazy.
- They try to look up words/pictures/definitions/websites that they shouldn't.
- They glom onto a few favored subjects and check out every book they can get on: pets, sports, how to draw, reptiles (again, to drive me crazy) and hidden pictures.
- There are new favorites like Magic Tree House, Diary of a Wimpy Kid, Harry Potter and Rick Riordan, but they still love Amelia Bedelia, Beverly Cleary, Roald Dahl, Nancy Drew, the Hardy Boys and Bunnicula, too.

This is only my second week back volunteering but the library is nice and familiar. Not as easy is helping out in Alex's new classroom. It is a 2nd and 3rd grade mix and it's a whole new ballgame. The subjects (and kids) are more serious and it just feels different being there. Today we worked on book recommendations. I helped them describe a book they'd just read in class, whether they liked or disliked it and three reasons why. My first struggle was explaining indentation, and why there was a need for it. I really didn't have a good reason for them, beyond the fact that it was on the teacher's instructions. Luckily they still accept that as a reason. I wonder what grade they'll be in when they stop taking that for an answer?

It was interesting to hear what they REALLY thought about their books. There are some first-rate critics in that group. I had to convince one second grader that "lameness" wasn't really a reason to explain his dislike. He clarified that there was no "acshun" and that was why it was lame. Fair enough.

That group provided my most interesting conversation of the day. H, One of Alex's classmates mentioned how excited he was because his dad was coming home from a trip today. "Oh, where has he been?" I asked. "Canada." At this answer G, another boy in the group, looked up with concern, "Canada? It's really dangerous there!" H and I exchanged a glance, "No," I said, "not really." G said, "They have battles there!" "Not now," I said, thinking maybe he had confused it with something in history. H was looking a little concerned but added, "We're going there next fall." Everyone went back to their work. Then, all was explained. G looked up and asked, "Hey, did you know that Clemson has a football player that fought in the war in Canada?!" "Do you mean Afghanistan?" I asked. "Oh, yeah!" G replied, and went right back to work. I for one am pretty relieved that we don't have to fight off any rowdy Canadians from the border!

Alex's behavior's been pretty good this week (knock on wood). He did pull a stick for "inappropriate behavior" yesterday. The first time he came home with that news I admit it kind of freaked me out. I was thinking some really horrible stuff fell under "inappropriate behavior". Apparently it's different for second and third graders: it involves talking and making noises when you shouldn't. That's kind of Alex's specialty. We talked about not making noises, talking in strange voices, etc., when you shouldn't, then he and I went for a walk. We planned on meeting Art a few blocks away when he returned from his walk. When we spotted him a hundred yards or so ahead of us, Alex did this really loud wah-wah-wah-wah noise (like Braves' fans - I have no idea what to call that). I looked at him as he grinned up at me. "Is THAT an 'inappropriate noise'?" I asked. "It's one of them," he said. Heaven help me through the second grade!

Alex the Stool Pigeon & His 5-Star Week

Alex and Art can go for hours (maybe days) without talking to each other. I think it's a guy thing. Unless there's a pending disaster or someone has committed a horrible offense they generally leave each other alone. Which is why I was really ticked off when Alex rushed to greet Art at the door to rat me out Sunday afternoon.

The three of us had lunch at Groucho's Sunday but were headed separate ways afterwards, so we took both vehicles. Groucho's has good food but a horrible parking lot. I parked in a really unfortunate space right on the driveway opposite their flower beds with the rock borders. (Yes, there is a reason to be that descriptive.) Luckily Art's Jeep has an amazing turn radius, so he was out of there before we were even buckled up and ready to go. So he wasn't there to witness my awesome ability at driving in reverse.

First, I tried to back up and to the right. Not enough room, and there was this horrid screech of metal. I looked but there wasn't anything directly behind me - at least no other vehicles, pedestrians, structures, etc. I pulled forward. I did notice a group of co-eds were kind of watching in amazement and trying not to laugh from the outdoor dining deck. I didn't know any of them so I ignored them. My second attempt ended as the back tire jumped up on the rock curb. I gave up, pulled out the best I could, made a big loop in the back of the parking lot and left. We were running late for the church's back to school bash at the skating rink, so I needed to leave. And I didn't want to co-eds looking at me anymore.

I pretty much forgot about the whole incident while we skated (or tried to) and played skeeball and video games. Alex had a great time at his first roller skating attempt. He fell a few times, but he was fairly adventurous for a beginner and made it through several practice attempts and one big lap around the rink. When we started out for home it occurred to me that I should inspect the back of the car to see if there were any problems. I really thought it was all alright since no tires were flat and we'd made it the 20 miles to the rink without any dashboard lights flashing on.

I love my car. I really do. You may not be able to tell that from my driving or its dirt cover sometimes but I really do. And while I don't know a lot about the inner workings of the motor, I'm attentive to the outer details. The car has two tailpipes with pretty chrome covers. Except today. Only one tailpipe had a cover. The other was just a regular old tailpipe. Hmmm. I checked and there were no gaping holes but there was a scratch on it several inches long and a little scrubbed place above the pipe. That's when I thought back to the parking lot at lunch and remembered as we drove away what looked like a dark cup turned on its side, just sitting on the top of the rock border. Crud.

I didn't say anything to Alex but instead of driving straight home we went back into town. "What are we doing?" he asked. I think we left a part of the car at the restaurant. "Oh," he said, and went back to reading his book. (I love that he reads in the car.) I've never been so happy to see a restaurant closed before. Groucho's shuts down at 3 on Sundays so no one was around to witness me slink out of the car, grab the tailpipe cover and get back in the car to head home.

When we got home, Art wasn't back yet. I was happy about that and got down on the driveway to see what I could do. There didn't seem to be any lasting damage and the cover slid back on but unfortunately wouldn't stay on. I even figured out what had to be done to make it stay but the tool-owner in our family locks his tools up in his building. It's like a major bureaucracy to borrow a screwdriver. I'm afraid one day Art's going to hand me a clipboard with a requisition order on it before I get to see the hammer. I briefly considered heading across the street to see if the neighbors would help me out. Decided I didn't want them to get involved in this debacle. I was tired and still had much to do, so I left the tailpipe cover on the carport and went inside.

I was folding laundry when I heard Art come in the back door. The door opening was quickly followed by the sounds of running feet and the words, "Mom backed over a big rock knocked off a piece of the car!" Thanks, son. He didn't even make it to the interrogation phase of the investigation! I felt a little better when Art couldn't make the cover stay either. It's been added to the weekend to-do list.

Last week's summary from school said Alex had a 5-smiley face week. I was so proud. I couldn't believe he'd made it five whole days. Then I realized they only went 4 days last week because of the Labor Day holiday. I can dream. We've found second grade to be hard. We've gone from cartoon characters and cute little songs to real work, quizzes and book reports. I know it will get harder every year but please don't remind me of that just yet. I get to start with my classroom volunteering this week so I'll get to see how everything works. I can't wait!

The Time Traveler's Mom

I spend way too much time in Wal-Mart. Money, too, come to think of it. Whenever you become familiar with the employees of a big-box store, you are there too often. I mention this because we have a cashier buddy at Wal-Mart now. We met him a couple of months ago on a red-letter day for Alex. He was getting a new video game and he'd just started his martial arts classes.

As we were checking out Alex was fairly bouncing with all the excitement happening in his life. And you know, he has to share that with those around him, so he struck up a conversation with our cashier. It turned out that his name was Alex as well. He's probably a college student and he's very nice. They started discussing video games. The older Alex had played the one that my Alex was buying so they compared notes. Then they moved on to martial arts. When he was younger the checker Alex also took martial arts. It was like old home week. We paid up and took our bags to the car. Then came the conversation on the way home.

"Mom, that guy's name was Alex, and MY name is Alex."

"Yes."

"He likes video games, and I like video games."

"Uh-huh." (I really wasn't paying a lot of attention at this point - not seeing where it was going yet.)

"I take martial arts, and when he was young, HE took martial arts."

"That's right."

"MOM! I think that guy is future ME!"

I really didn't know how to respond to that one. I would like to note for the record, though, that I did have a glimmer of what was coming right before the big reveal. I'm pretty sure Alex is just messing with me and doesn't actually believe the older Alex is future him. I think. He also wants to modify my car so that it has rocket/missile launchers on it. You have to admit that would come in handy in traffic. I sure don't take my cashiers for granted anymore. I've seen Future Alex a few times since then and I can't help but smile. At least he's neat, polite, kind to children, and is holding down a job!

Oops, She Wrote and Wuv, Twue Wuv

First, I must start with an apology and disclaimer. I got busted after my last post. Someone mentioned Alex's business plan to him. He was immediately suspicious. "How did you know about that?" he quizzed them. They tried to bluff him, claiming omniscience, but he didn't buy it. That afternoon when I picked him up from school he asked me, "Did you put my drawings on the Internet?" "Ummm, yeah." "Don't do that!" We've settled on a new rule: I can't put copyrighted (read: drawn by him) materials on the blog without prior approval of the artist (Alex). Luckily he didn't demand editorial approval over all of my blog posts. Which brings me to one he probably wouldn't like:

Yesterday while in Anderson we saw a girl in Michaels. Alex said, "That's ______'s sister." (Names have been omitted to protect people who are not my child.) Alex frequently thinks he knows people who merely look like them. It is a trait he gets from his father. Art and I have argued many times about actors who look like each other BUT AREN'T.

Anyway, I've only seen the sister in question once, so I couldn't confirm or deny. I told him maybe it was, and not to point (which he was not, he's gotten much better about that). We then rounded the corner and saw ________. You must understand, Alex really likes her. She is in his class and we hear about her regularly. I spent the next 20 minutes or so trying to get through my Michaels list and keep an eye on the two of them, who were chatting away like they hadn't seen each other in weeks. I finally got him to go across the store with me for thread and we left. I was bribing him to go through Michaels because he understands that I am incapable of going in and out of there for one item without wandering aimlessly. I let him time me and I was giving him a quarter for every 10 minutes it took. We clocked out at 40 minutes and he tried to claim a dollar. I told him that would not work because it was not my fault. I ended up giving him the dollar anyway.

Here is our conversation on the way out to the car:

Alex:  Do you like _______, Mom?
Shelley: You know I do.
Alex: Good.
Shelley: Why? You planning on marrying her, bringing her into the family?
Alex: Actually, yes.
Shelley: Does she know about this?
Alex: No, Mom! True love takes time. It's not like we can marry at 7.

I'm pretty sure I deserve mom points for not falling to the ground at this point. I did have to type myself an email on my phone while I pretended to put our bags in the trunk. I wanted to make sure I had this down for posterity! And for _______, just in case she is my future daughter-in-law.

Alex's First Business Plan

Maybe I shouldn't say it's his first business plan, but it is the most detailed that he's done so far. I left very early Friday morning for a conference in Florence, SC. I was only gone 36 hours, leaving Art and Alex alone together. Not enough time for Alex to complete his MBA, but I guess he got a start on it.

Those of you who know Alex understand that he talks. And when I say he talks, I mean A LOT. Sometime in the middle of the day on Saturday he told Art that his throat was kind of dry. Art mentioned that it was probably because he hadn't stopped talking since he woke up that morning. (From past experience, that's entirely possible.) While following Art around while he tried to complete chores, yardwork, gardening, etc. on Friday, Alex explained his plan for a business that he wanted to open. He used to tell us he was going to open a restaurant, but the only real planning he did was to collect paint chips from Lowe's for the decor (my word, not his).

Apparently, this time, Art just asked him questions and gave helpful tips to move his plan along. Art told Alex that he needed to answer some key questions to put this business plan into action. First, who would be involved, and where they willing to participate? (I'm inserting Alex's notecards that I found when I got home last night.)

I don't know why I get a title but Art is mentioned by name.

He did a quick survey of stakeholders and got a positive response from all members of the household. Next came:

On to specifics, when would we sell snacks?

I don't know if he was trying to get out of homework, or making it convenient for the working members of the household. He then moved on to how he would sell the snacks:

This is the artist's rendering of his restaurant/snack shop, Tiger Snacks. Note the drive thru sign and arrow. This is "how" he would sell snacks.

He mulled his marketing campaign, business name and logo:

(Should I tell him about the copyright restrictions on the official tiger paw?) He drew three different pictures of the shop and signage placement but the above design apparently won out. Here's his logo and motto, with a slight spelling error: "Where Tigers Eat" - for non-Clemson residents, he means Clemson fans, not actual Tigers - I asked, just in case. The logo is a tiger paw with a cheese cracker in the center.

The final slide from his presentation? It covers the motivation for this particular business venture:

Cold, hard cash. Today he went over the personnel chart. Alex told me that he would be the assistant manager, Art the manager and I could be a "cash register lady." I asked why Art was the boss instead of him. He told me that he thought he was a little young to be the manager. Oh, of course.

What lessons can we learn from this particular plan? 1) I shouldn't leave the guys alone for more than a few hours. 2) When you buy 500 blank index cards from the office supply store, be prepared for Alex to use them. He's also designed his own Pokemon cards with them. 3) The kid may be an evil genius, and we all may be working for him some day!

Dad Who?

Some mornings it is really crazy trying to get out of the house and to school on time. So it's nice when we have a nice, leisurely mile and a half drive, with no one mad at anyone or hoarse from yelling. We laugh a lot when things are going well. Friday morning Alex was really excited about his Lego Club's Egg Drop that afternoon - and the fact that it was Friday. Sitting in the backseat he was looking over his egg bomb/contraption (more on that next post), and the following conversation passed:

Alex: I sure did a good job on this egg bomb.
Me: Yeah, you and Dad really worked hard on it.
Alex: Who?
Me: (Rolling eyes) Tall guy, lives with us?
Alex: Oh, yeah, that guy. I never remember his name.

I may have snorted but Alex kept a straight face the entire time. Here's proof that he does know Art, from our hike at Lake Jocassee.

Spring Break Fun, Alex's Definitions and Cool New Shoes

Words, and most other things, are different in Alex's world. After a whole lot of togetherness during Spring Break, I was about to snap. Alex was singing, dancing, talking loudly and generally bouncing his way through Wal-Mart when I hissed, "Stop, you are being crazy!" He stood still for a moment and looked at me. Then he replied, "I don't think so, Mom. I was just exaggerating. Exaggerating is every now and then, crazy is all the time." It made so much sense at the time, that I wasn't even annoyed anymore. Out of the mouths of babes.

We did have a good Spring Break. Day 1: I decided that Monday would be our fun day and I packed everything I could into it. We wanted to make a road trip to the Lego store just this side of Atlanta, and Alex wanted to go to an arcade. (I should clarify here, when I say "we" I mean Alex and I. Art wouldn't be caught dead in an arcade. Well, unless they had classic video games circa 1977 and no other people in it.) So, after some internet research, we headed to Stars & Strikes in lovely Dacula, GA, which as far as I can tell, is just an outer part of Atlanta. It was awesome and less than 2 hours away. If it was an hour away we'd have been back by now. Stars & Strikes has an arcade, lazer tag and a really cool bowling alley. I was amazed that it wasn't packed but it seemed like we were the only ones there for an hour or so. After Alex raced and crashed various forms of transportation (a jet ski, helicopter and motorcycle all bit the dust), we played air hockey, skee ball and bonded while annihilating Terminators. It was a touching mother/son moment.

I would like to say that I made it out of lazer tag with my dignity intact. If I did, though, I might get struck by lightning. First, the disclaimers, I was wearing sandals, I had to carry a purse AND I am almost 40 years old. That said, Alex ran me into the ground. When I paid the admission for 15 minutes, I thought, "What? Only 15 minutes? What a rip off!" By 9 minutes in, my eyes were glued to that timer, checking to make sure it didn't stop every time I looked away. Alex zipped around the place without a care in the world. We were the only two in the room, and everytime I turned around - he was behind me. I have no idea how many times he shot me, but I'm sure it was in the thousands. Whenever your opponent scores a direct hit your sensors buzz and your gun quits working for 5 seconds. It was like Top Gun during the fight training - "Where'd he go?" "Where'd WHO go?" I'd always thought a minute of sparring in karate was the slowest passing of time that I'd ever experienced. I now know that I was wrong.

Bowling went much better for me. There were the regular lanes on one side of the alley and the "boutique" lanes on the other. They were empty, had comfy couch seating, dim lighting, big screen TVs about the pins and (Alex's favorite) cool racing lights on the lanes. We were the only ones on that side. In a rare turnout, I won. Alex has been beating me at bowling regularly for the past year. I think he's a little tired of the lack of competition, frankly. He made me promise we'd only bowl one game before he put his shoes on. Finally, my high school and college PE classes paid off - I beat a 7-year-old!

We topped off the fun-filled morning with the Lego store and the Crocs outlet. Before you accuse me of dragging a poor boy-child shoe shopping, you need to know that Alex loves his Crocs. He hates going barefoot, and I guess they're the closest thing to it that is acceptable to him. Starting with a pair that Mimi got him when he was a toddler, he has had 3 pair of red Crocs in his life. Sadly, our little boy is growing up. He insisted on a black pair this year, with a little Hogwarts shield decoration that clips in one of the openings. He loves them but it's just not the same.

By the evening of Spring Break, Day 1, we'd had enough of each other. I went to a meeting that evening and they thanked me for coming out and "leaving my family." I explained that it was no problem, really!

The middle of the week was uneventful. We hung out, stayed in our pajamas way too long and read a lot of books. If you can peel Alex away from the dual monkeys on his back - TV and Nintendo DS - he's becoming an excellent reader. He's been through several of the Magic Tree House books and also likes Amelia Bedelia. I just started him on Judy Blume's "Tales of a Fourth-Grade Nothing" this week. I love her books and got him a box of 5 of them relating to the Fudge character. We are still reading Rick Riordan, too, but we've finished the Percy Jackson and the Olympians series. We're on the second book in the Heroes of Olympus series. I showed him the series that he'd done on Egyptian mythology but Alex was not interested. He's still deeply into the ancient Greeks. This new series that we're reading deals with Greek and Roman gods and heroes, so he's adding some Latin to his vocabulary.

We had a great long weekend with my parents at the end of Spring Break. We ate way too much, and Alex entertained them. He sang with the children in church on Sunday so they got to see that performance. Before we got to the egghunt, he said he wasn't interested, but when you put him in a yard with 20 other kids and the promise of prizes and candy, he overcame his boredom. I don't know how many eggs he got but I do know that he got two miniature Twix bars. Don't ask me why I know that, it is a moot point, as they are no longer in his basket.

It was really tough going back to school and work and telling Mimi & Paw goodbye on the Tuesday after Easter. When they leave they tell Alex that they have to go check on their dog Buddy. As we drove to school Tuesday morning, Alex was plotting to bring Buddy to South Carolina. Buddy despises riding in cars and is miserable whenever they try it. I asked Alex what sort of plan he had, but that was all, just that we needed to bring Buddy here, and they would never leave. I'll keep you posted if he fleshes out his plan further.

His other new word? Ignorant. He called me that and I paused for just a moment before threatening his life and asked, "What does that mean?" He shrugged and said "I don't know." That led to another mother/son bonding moment - over why we don't call people things we don't understand (and some we do) and what could happen if we do it anyway. And what toys could be "disappeared" if it happens again.

Lemming, or "If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?"

I volunteered at the school this morning, my usual weekly visit to the library and Alex's classroom. The school library is in slight disarray because of the book fair - kids are in and out looking for the perfect book on which to spend their hard-earned money. That went quietly enough. When I got to Alex's classroom my first mission was to find his lunchbox. It's been AWOL since Friday, despite being gray and orange camouflage with his initials monogrammed on it. I've ransacked the pantry and kitchen here at home and told Alex to check his cubby and classroom. He denied finding it there, but he regularly can't find items right in front of him, so I didn't really trust him on that.

Unfortunately, I didn't see it in his room either. That left the dread lost-and-found to go through. When I say lost-and-found, you may imagine a good-sized cardboard box with a couple of jackets and a backpack in it. It is so much worse than that. I hate trying to find things there. The school has two enormous bins in a storage closet with the cafetorium (love that word!) chairs. The school custodians wished me luck as I went in. Now, the bins: think about giant laundry bins that prisoners in movies hide in and use to escape. Both are overflowing with jackets, coats, sweatshirts, bags, backpacks and at least one thermos that I saw. I can't tell how happy that I was when I unearthed (uncoated?) the lunchbox a foot or two down in the first bin. I may start tying it to Alex every morning.

After that was done, I headed back to see what project I could help with in the classroom. This week the multi-age class is working on South Carolina. They've learned the state motto, highest point, flower, etc. I helped a couple of groups who were using strips of construction paper to "weave" placemats while they learned about the lowcountry sawgrass basket makers. Another group put together a floor puzzle of the United States. I helped with some of the hard parts. I showed them the little man that was formed with Louisiana as his boot, and Minnesota as his head. Sadly, Minnesota is missing, so he's kind of headless right now. They thought that was funny.

At mid-morning, when they headed out to recess, I left to go to work. All was well at that point. I repeat, at that point. I'd been at work for a little more than a half hour when my cell phone rings. It always worries me when my cell rings, especially when I noticed the caller ID. I have the school's phone number memorized at this point, so I knew it was Nurse Karen. (Okay, I gave Alex the benefit of the doubt - it could have been the principal but Alex didn't seem to be that belligerent when I left, so I didn't think there'd been enough time for a discipline problem.) "I just left!" I told Nurse Karen. Alex was hurt but she didn't think too badly. She reported that he jumped off the monkey bars, landed flat on his feet, then his rear end. He was complaining of back pain but nothing seemed to be broken.

So, I left work to pick up Daredevil Dan. I also put in a call to the pediatrician (also on speed dial in my phone). When I got back to the school, an hour and twelve minutes after I left, Alex was waiting with the nurse, with an ice pack on his back. I began the interrogation in the car. It seems that his friend Aileen (a cute little kindergartener) and Alex were playing at recess when they decided to jump off this playground implement because it was "gymnastics." I drove around to that side of the school and asked him to point out which piece of playground equipment they'd used. Alex jumped from approximately five feet up. Aileen stuck her landing, possibly because she takes GYMNASTICS, Alex did not, possibly because he got half his coordination genes from me. He was moving fine but winced when he sat down, bent at the waist, stood up or had to turn his body. The pediatrician's nurse recommended ibuprofen and alternating ice and heat for a while. That's how we've spent our afternoon.

As we drove to get a heating pad and ice pack at the drugstore I said, "Alex?" What, Mom? "I know it hurts so I'm not going into a lot of detail, but DON'T JUMP OFF ANYTHING HIGHER THAN YOUR HEAD!" Okay, Mom. We'll see how long it lasts.

Teacher's Pet (Wolf)

Okay, here is my not-so-secret hope: that I am not the only mother in the world that gets notes from schools like the ones that regularly come home with Alex. Examples include entries such as, "Followed school rules? No, was talking during quiet time. Following directions today? did not, was howling when the teacher explained them, Stayed on task/finished work? No, was too busy talking" and "Sat on friend's head while he was trying to get something from cubby!" As far as we can tell from our interrogations most of these things were done because it seemed funny at the time. The stern parental response would work better if Alex's father was not snorting beside me when I read the riot act to the kid. When I argue that it's not funny, Art replies, "Yes, it is." See what I have to live with, people?

We are 3 stars away (on our behavior chart) to either a trip to Chuck E. Cheese's or a new Nintendo DS game. We've been working on the same chart for weeks. He has to get 3 out of 3 check marks from his teacher and a star at after school care to earn one. We may never finish. Earlier this week when I checked him out after school they told me that he'd earned EXTRA stars for being so helpful. Really? Are you sure you know him - curly-headed kid, about 4 feet tall? They just laughed. We had a close call last week and almost got a 3 out of 3, but the teachers went in and changed one with just half an hour left in the day. Missed it by that much. Alex did have to go home sick one day last week right around lunch time. As we drove home he said, I got all 3 stickers on my chart. I pointed out that people who may or may not have fever and are moaning with a stomach ache rarely misbehave.

If I haven't mentioned it lately (and I definitely haven't done it enough) - Alex has three really great teachers. They're managing two classrooms, 42 students and lots of messy art supplies. I don't know how they do it. And my weekly volunteer time makes me glad they are and that I'm not!

Alex, Interpreter-in-Training

Alex was "helping" me make out the grocery list last Saturday. He actually is kind of helpful. I give him a cookbook of easy weeknight meals and make him pick something. Of course, that meant one night last week we had Taco Dogs (hot dogs wrapped in tortillas with lettuce, refried beans and cheese) but it was one less night I had to decide what to cook. Anyway, when I tired of all the assistance I was receiving, I sent him into the kitchen to ask Art if he needed anything from the store. I listened from the living room as Art went through the list of toilet paper, toothpaste, floss, mouthwash and so on, how much he had of each and then concluded that no, he didn't need anything. When Alex walked back into the living room, I asked him, "Did Dad say he needed anything?"

"No," Alex replied, "but HE said it in a way more complicated way." Therein lies the danger in asking Dad questions. It's better that he learn now!

A New Way to Climb the Anthill

On the way out of school one afternoon last week, I asked Alex how his day went. "Well, I got to the second anthill." I asked what had happened. "Oh, well, is today the day we go to art class?" Yes, it is. "Oh...I just pulled two ants for talking." Hmm, that doesn't sound suspicious at all. I'm really grateful that the boy doesn't lie well AT ALL.

My suspicions might have died there but when I was going through his homework folder I found a note. Now, I have an extensive collection of notes from this kid's teachers, camp counselors and other various supervisors (and, yes, I'm keeping them for posterity's sake), but this was the first one of its kind.

"Alex reached the second anthill today. The first one was for talking but the second one was for calling the art teacher by her first name." At this point the boy came be-bopping through the kitchen. "Hey, Alex, what's Ms. Pernell's first name?" The look of shock and dismay on his face was priceless. He turned a little gray and stammered, "How...how did you know?" I told him that I was a mom and I KNOW EVERYTHING. (I'm trying to keep that little fallacy alive at least through the first grade.) We then discussed how we not only do not address adults by their first name, we also don't call them dude or bro, and we most definitely do not fib to our mom about how we climbed the anthill.

As to how he knew the teacher's name, he cleared that up for me. She has a monogrammed lunch bag which he saw, and read, as he is now reading everything. He reads signs along the highway, TV commercials, newspapers, etc. In fact while he and Art were out and about the other day he was reading signs for him. Alex told Art "There's one sign that Mom doesn't like me to read." Art said, "Really? Which one?" Alex replied, "Well, I won't say it, but it's spelled H-O-O-T-E-R-S." I'm surprised Art didn't drive off the road. Art told him that it was a restaurant where the girls didn't wear very many clothes. Alex wolf-whistled from the backseat. I'm so glad I wasn't with them.

Rare Frog(gy) sighting

Or maybe not - can you sight things that are imaginary and/or invisible? For those who have known Alex his whole seven year life (can you believe he is 7 today?!), you probably remember Crabby and Froggy who were his constant companions through preschool. Crabby and Froggy were an invisible crab and frog (duh) who were usually with us at all times. They seemed to be about real size but could talk, had frequent birthdays and were only visible to Alex. Crabby was a troublemaker who often pestered Alex, Froggy and anyone else unlucky enough to catch his attention. According to Alex, he also briefly worked at Subway. Anyway, as imaginary/invisible friends go, thus went Crabby and Froggy. We had fewer and fewer mentions of them until school started. Now we rarely hear anything about them.

So imagine my surprise last Saturday when Alex and Froggy came to my bedside to announce it was Froggy's 46th birthday. I asked if we needed to have any particular kind of celebration but Froggy is a modest sort and told me he really didn't need anything. Art was really surprised when I told him about it - he hadn't heard from Froggy in many months. I don't remember the last time I'd "seen" him. As the junior partner Froggy was usually relegated to the background while Crabby was their spokesperson. I guess Alex was preparing for his birthday this week and Froggy came to mind. We haven't had any other sightings since but it's good to hear from old friends!